Fatemeh Ekhtesari

Translated by Atefeh Asadi

: “I am not saying this is a good thing, but if they imprison you, I can come to visit you at least. But if you leave the country, how can I come to halfway around the world to see you with this sickled foot that I have?”

Momma tied her scarf around her neck in her own way as always and then got up from the chair. She picked up the spoon and bowl from the table and went to bed. she was angry, and her hands were shaking. She was nervous. It was as if her blood pressure gets high again. She sat on the bed, and put the dishes next to her, rubbed her painful knees, and then turned her face to the wall.

: “but, Momma…”

She picked up her bowl and spoon again and started to scrap the chalk on the wall. She was no longer hear me.

: “come back to me, Momma! Look at me for a second!”

When she started not hearing, she heard nothing anymore. No matter how much I was begging, nothing worked on her anymore. She was just like the days when I was a kid. When I moved to my own apartment and took my stuff from here, she was not hearing me for a month. I was saying, Momma! I am taking daddy`s library to my own! She was not hearing. I was saying, Momma! I took your credit card, withdraw all the money from your account! She was not hearing. As if I didn`t exist. I was saying I am spending daddy`s pension all on publishing our university journal. She was not hearing. I was even lying to make her angry so that she come and slap me in the face, but she was just keeping on not hearing me, which was worse than a hundred slaps. After a while that only she knew how many days have passed, she chose to stop. She started to talking. But she seems to has forgotten all the time she has been silent. She wasn`t aware of anything that I told her during her silence period. It was as if she had not really heard me, as if I am still studying in the room next to the kitchen, and she can bring my tea and cookies anytime that she wants only to start a conversation, just like nothing has happened. After a month and a half, when I set free on bail, she was still mad at me.

Farzaneh was going to Momma`s house more than me and let me know how she is. She always was saying that Momma worries about you, Momma said not to worry about bail and granting, Momma is praying to god for your safety and… but Momma was completely silent with me. Farzaneh was saying that Momma loves you, and this love is her only sadness. One day when I was sitting right here on this bed and giving her a foot massage, she said: “Oh Farid! Your hands are my cure, son. They are healing me.”

She still refused to look at me.

: “what are you doing Momma? Come here. Let me give you a foot massage. Why are you scrapping the wall?”

: “because you are hurting me. Because you don’t understand at all. Because you are a yokel! You were such ungrateful since your childhood!”

I sat down beside her and kissed her foot. She was still sitting face to face with the wall, but it was enough for me that she had heard my voice and responded. I took the bowl and spoon from her and put them aside, then turned her feet toward me and started massaging her knees.

: “Farid! Haven`t you always wanted to be a pilot, scientist, or even president when you were a kid? What have you done to yourself? You are working around the clock on the newspaper! You are busy all day and all night long on your meetings, or such crazy stuff! We didn`t have a prisoner in our family! We didn`t have a fugitive counter-revolutionary. We…”

: “what does it mean Momma? A counter-revolutionary? Does it mean a revolution to you? Did I want to go to jail by myself?”

: “if you run away, these executioners will shoot at you while crossing the border! Then they bring your dead body to me! I can`t handle it. I…”

: “Are you worried about not seeing me Momma? I will bring you to me later. Till then… there is Internet and cellphone and…”

: “Farid…”

I was staring into her eyes, waiting for her to say the rest of the sentence. Farid… Farid and then what? She gazed at me. Her eyelids didn’t move. She said nothing, laid down, and hid her head under the blanket.

: “Momma look at me for a second! Come back to me! I want to see you. Is it the right time that you pick for not hearing me? Seriously?”

She was not hearing me since the last time I was there. She was lying down on the bed. Then she turned her back on me and stared at the wall. everything started to swim before my eyes. I felt how everything everything everything is messed up. Every wall of the house was black and smoky, except for the parts that Momma had scrapped. I got up and felt dizzy. Farzaneh brought me a glass of water. I told her: “Farzaneh weren’t these curtains blue before? Why their color has changed?”

Farzaneh took my hand and helped me to sit on a chair.

:” Drink this please. Don’t worry about her dear brother. we are here. We suppose to fix up the house and renovate it soon. See how messy the walls are? I ordered wallpaper for them. You just think about your own life dear Farid.”

Farzaneh was sitting on her knees beside the bed, trying to convince Momma to turn her face so that I can kiss her for the last time. she was weeping away her tears and trying to hide her shaky voice.

:” my pretty Momma! Only this time, please. You know how is he! he is your own stubborn son. He`s crazy. He`s always been crazy. Just come back and look at him for a second! Momma, I promise to buy you the Internet stuff and everything that is needed. As soon as he got there, you can talk to him every single day! Just like the old days when you used to talk his head off and I was jealous of you two. Do you remember? Momma, see, if he doesn’t leave today, he will be in prison tomorrow! Momma, please come back for a second!”

Instead of going to the hospital, I had made my way to her house. I am sitting on her bed now. I have been sitting here for an hour. Or maybe more. Much more. I am not sure. I don’t know whether I am waiting for Farzaneh to call and give me news or not. I am not waiting for anything at all. I look at the bowl and the pitcher and the small particles of chalk that are spread on the bed. It`s an hour that as much as I think and look around, I can`t understand or imagine that how how how she could swallow that much of chalk. Farzaneh had cried and said there was chalk even under Momma`s nails. On the hospital`s way, she has lost her bowel control. Farzaneh was explaining all all all these small details while she was angry and crying. But I didn’t hear. I was sitting in a taxi to go to the hospital, but I couldn`t hear what the driver was saying. I even couldn`t hear my own voice.

I look at the bowl and the pitcher of water, then raise her scarf from the bed and breathe its scent. It smells likes damp and chalks on the walls. I tie the scarf around my neck and pull pull pull it from its two sides. I feel pain in my throat, and my tears wet my eyes uncontrollably. I fell so short of breath. I lose the strength in my hands and release the scarf. I throw myself on her bed. Her pillow smells just like herself. A spoon falls out from under the pillow. I turn my face to the wall and see that she scrapped my name on the chalky wall with distorted handwriting. I hide my head under the blanket and cry and cry and cry out loud…